Tell Me Would You Kill
by solice-in-silence
Summary: Anders POV to 'He Won't Go'


He had spent his life fighting demons. The Circle warns of the dangers constantly, the risks of entering the Fade and being manipulated by your own weakness and the demons who will offer you all your dreams if there is a chance they will get a foot hold in the mortal realm through you. He had no interest in blood magic, he would not be swayed by the promise of a demon – Anders had always been sure of that. No matter how many times the Templars dragged him back to the Tower and threw him in a cell, accusing him of being a danger to the rest, a corrupting influence, Anders had never been tempted to view their words as a self fulfilling prophecy. He had never caved.

It had seemed different with Justice. A spirit, not a demon. And yet somehow that line of distinction seemed so blurred now, as though it hardly mattered. It was still another creature inside his mind, a voice in his head…an influence that took over and left him helpless in his own body, just a witness to his own actions. When Justice took control Anders felt trapped, watching through his own eyes but unable to take back control, unable to stop himself, just screaming, and screaming and unheard.

But he'd never come so close to killing an innocent.

He had been wrong about the Tranquil Solution, a fact Fenris would no doubt enjoy gloating about, but what had bothered him more was that he had come so close…that poor girl. She could not have understood, could not have known…he was just thankful Hawke had been there to prevent anything truly tragic happening.

He'd run. The moment he'd had control of his body again, he'd fled the scene, back to his clinic where he'd shut the doors and extinguished the light, he'd sent everyone away without explanation, and had stayed there in the gloom fighting with his conscience. He supposed at some point, he'd have to face them, but just the idea filled him with shame, and Anders stayed in his tiny quarters, pacing back and forth.

The door creaked and he heard footsteps, the voice that called out he knew well, a voice that haunted his dreams calling his name, although in his sleep the tone was thick with lust and desire, as opposed to the nervous almost fear that thrummed through the word she called out.

"Anders?"

He ought to have known if he did not go to them, then she would come to him. The others might not care for him, Fenris would see him hanging in the Gallows before he'd lift a finger to help, every interaction with Aveline was filled with the threat she'd turn him in, and Isabela was too selfish to care for his cause and found his passion boring…but Hawke would come and search for him.

He did not respond, dropping down to sit on the bed, elbows on his knees, and he buried his face in his long fingers. But even without a response from him, he could hear from the loud footsteps that she was headed towards the hidden space at the back of the room, and he sensed her presence as she stopped at the archway and stared at him.

Anders expected a lecture, he deserved it. But as he dropped his hands and slowly lifted his gaze to the dark haired woman in the doorway, he saw pity and compassion in the bright, blue eyed gaze of his friend, and she entered the room, moving to sit beside him on the bed.

"Hiding here won't solve anything" she offered and he shook his head, his gaze on the floor rather than meeting hers although he could feel her searching what sliver of his face she could see, looking for answers in his expression.

"I nearly killed her. I'm a monster…Justice and I…I've twisted him into something wrong, something I cannot control, and it would have been her that paid the price! I've spent all this time preaching mages are not dangerous, working for our freedom – how can I do that, after what I've done? How can I argue the Templars are wrong to imprison us, when I am the example of just how dangerous we can be, and I cannot prevent it! I cannot trust myself to hold him back, I cannot contain my anger and it is he who unleashing that fury…Hawke…if you had not have been there…!" He broke all, the tirade that had risen in volume and anger disappearing into depression, his last comment a choked sob and he shook his head, turning away.

One hand moved to cover his arm, slim fingers against the thick fabric of his coat.

"You can't just let them win".

"Maybe they deserve to win. If I am what freedom brings" he responded bitterly, but the young woman at his side would not accept that.

"And what of me? My sister Bethany? My father? All those others you have helped to free? And even if you don't think of other mages – since when does your mistake condemn you for life? You make it sound like you're an irredeemable Anders, like there is no good at all in you". She paused, as though waiting for an answer, and when Anders stayed silent she moved, dropping to the ground in front of him on her knees so that he could not avoid her gaze by staring intently at the floor, and instead he found herself staring into her eyes, the same blue as the sky, and so piercing he felt she saw more than he did, that she knew more of him.

"There is more to you than Justice. And I have faith in you still" she assured him in a soft voice, and while his mind told him that she was insane, that this was a friendship that had been taken too far and blinded her to the truth.

"You maybe. But what of your friends? Fenris has never needed a reason to hand me in, and Aveline views me as a danger to all Kirkwall". Even as he said it, he knew how ungrateful he sounded, but she did not seem offended, her voice steady and sincere as she spoke.

"I would never let them take you. Whatever their thoughts, they will not turn you over – I would not allow it". There was a pause, a hesitation, her teeth dug into her lower lip – a sign she was embarrassed about what she was about to say, he'd seen it often enough in the past three years to know her, and the sight of her white teeth digging into her lower lip enflamed him, and the apostate swallowed awkwardly to keep himself calm. "It would kill me to see the Templars lock you up" she confessed to him, her gaze lowered, and Anders felt the desire for him, like a burning heat in his stomach.

"Don't". He got to his feet abruptly, moving away and folding his arms across his chest. "I know…you've seen that I am, what I can do…but I'm still a man and you can't…say something like that and…" Perhaps it was innocent, perhaps there was nothing meant in her words…Hawke was a born flirt, the charm and smile got them out of plenty of trouble, she and Varric and Isabela were appalling in their conversation, but it was always different when they were alone, the hesitancy in her manner left him sure this was not a joke, like it was with everyone else, but the truth, and he couldn't…he couldn't be trusted, and he could not be distracted.

"I'm not trying to tease you Anders. Nothing about who, or what, you are bothers me". He didn't turn around, aware that she had stood up, and he could tell she was close behind him, but he clenched his fists tightly. He had messed up already by losing control, not now.

"It's too dangerous" he pointed out, through clenched teeth.

"Anders…" she breathed his name, like a sigh, the noise could have come straight from the dreams that plagued him and kept him awake at night, and he half turned to her. "Stop holding back. I know the risk, and I don't care – you're not nobly holding back for my sake, you're just making yourself miserable. I don't want you to resist…I want you…"

Those words pushed his self control out of his mind, and he stepped toward her, one hand rising, his fingers grazing across her cheek and slipping into the waves of dark hair, and he lowered his mouth onto hers. His other arm reached for her waist, his hand moving over the curve of her body and pulling her closer, pressing her against him as his tongue parted her lips, and he could feel her respond, hands against his chest and clutching at the fabric of his coat, and she kissed him back eagerly.

Nothing in his dreams could prepare him for the reality.


End file.
